Monday, November 13, 2017

I am Still Winning

I had a few small miracles I wanted in my life before I die – one of them was to swing on a swing and feel the wind blow my hair back. This weekend I did that – it was not quite what I had imagined, but I went for a swing in the park. I had been sleeping for most of my days over the previous week, but that need to swing was overpowering. There are other small miracles I want; like learning to fly a kite. That will have to wait a while.

This morning I decided I would bath, knowing my nurse was in the house, I thought I could do it alone. I got in slowly, sat on my knees and then slid each leg out from under me and I bathed. But I could not get out. I tried and tried and then I started shouting for Vimbai. She was outside and did not hear me. So I sat in that bath, every now and then attempting to get out on my own. I lost the battle, shouting once more for Vimbai. She came and it was a struggle for even the two of us to get me out. I was exhausted to the point that she had to dry me, dress me and put me back in bed.

Another piece of my independence has gone and I value my independence so much.

And I cry for one more thing I can’t do on my own. There is less and less I can do on my own and for myself. Many say miracles can happen and I could be healed, but I no longer believe that. It is what it is. That is why my miracles are small; like swinging and flying a kite. I am more determined than ever to die on my own terms. I will not allow myself to be totally dependent on others for my every breath, nor am I prepared to suffer what is insufferable. But until then, I will continue to write and to connect to others via social media. While I can still do that, I am still winning.